he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
