I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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