I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I woke up under a house in Key West
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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