I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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