Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
