My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
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