my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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