DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
