My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
