there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
