Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize