the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
