I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize