2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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