Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
