I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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