the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
