I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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