we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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