I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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