She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
