Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
