We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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