"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
