peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
