My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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