I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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