What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
