So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Someone shit on the floor
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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