I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize