dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
