life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
