she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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