I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
