I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Blood and glitter go together right?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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