Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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