Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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