i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
