Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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