i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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