Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize