I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
