apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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