the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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