wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
