I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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