Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
