just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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