we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
