don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
