Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
