Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
