I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The adults are the big ones right?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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