i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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