You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
