Only a mothe r could love this liver
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
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