Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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