And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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