dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize