He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize