The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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