Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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