I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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