Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Randomize
