matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
