reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
