Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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