He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
